KNOXVILLE, Iowa — The Iowa Energy opened its home season Monday night against the Albuquerque Thunderbirds. That is among the most respectable names among the teams in the NBA D-League. The league is full of inferior team names.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Fort Wayne Mad Ants.

What kind of a name is that? Is that supposed to strike fear in the hearts of their opponents?

“Oh no, the ants are after me,” I can just see someone whimpering that, followed by riotous laughter. Sure, there are killer fire ants in the world, but are there that many in Fort Wayne? Why not just call them the Fire Ants?

It’s bad enough that these guys are minor leaguers, but did they really have to shame them with such a wimpy name? Knoxville Journal-Express Sports Editor Perry Bell and I were having lunch Monday when we saw this and his impression of a mad ant was to hold two fingertips in front of him and saying in a high-pitched voice, “I’m going to get you.”

What a stupid name.

Of course, Iowa Energy is not much better. It doesn’t sound tough, but it does sound resilient. Luckily, I’m not the only one who thinks Energy is a dumb team name.

Energy Coach Nick Nurse told the Knoxville Rotary Club recently that basketball, Hollywood and rap legend Shaquille O’Neal approached him at a Miami Heat practice. After learning he was the coach of the Energy, Shaq apparently asked Nurse, “Who came up with that dumb name?”

The dumb names are not limited to the Midwest. There is a team known as the Bakersfield Jam. All I can think of is something new to spread on my toast in the morning.

“Do you want jelly with that?”

“No, I’ll try some Bakersfield Jam.”

Then, there are the Colorado 14ers. I’m sorry, but when I gamble on their game against the Tulsa 66ers, my money’s on the 66ers. I think they’ll be 52-point favorites.

Maybe there are just too many professional, semi-professional and college sports teams. Why else would someone name a team the Utah Flash? That sounds like an unpleasant experience someone might have while vacationing in Salt Lake City.

To be fair, there are some respectable names in this league. The Anaheim Arsenal, the Los Angeles D-Fenders and the Rio Grande Valley Vipers, to name them.

Usually, I try to end these rants with a point, a lesson or a suggestion. I’ve really got nothing in this case, other than people need to try harder to come up with team names. Take care of yourself and thank you for reading.



Steve Woodhouse writes for the Knoxville (Iowa) Journal Express.